on long roads and small wins
I've been deep in my thoughts and feels the last couple of weeks. I know I keep saything this, but I don't know what I expected from this recovery. I think, possibly, that I didn't expect anything because I was so busy doing so many things (so many) that I never took a beat and thought about what this might be like.
Recovery so far is a roller coaster and so much more mental that I ever thought.
Tomorrow will wrap up my third week of PT.
I've gone from using both crutches and not putting my right foot on the ground at all....
to putting my booted foot down with both crutches...
to using one crutch with my booted foot...
to walking around inside in only the boot!
Amazing, right? 3 weeks! Six appointments! I'm really proud of my physical progress and my mental progress, too, as moving on to each "phase" has come with a lot of anxiety.
Will my foot even hold me up anymore?
What if I fall?
How do I even walk? HOW DID I EVEN WALK?!
Alongside the worries, there's also the harder realizations. Last Friday, I asked the PT I was seeing that day what the timeline for driving was. It made sense in my head: I'm doing so well so fast, driving must be next, right?
No. Driving is not next.
He so very kindly explained that the next step will be when my surgeon says I can lose the boot (fully weight bearing). Then, we will start the PT to build the mobility and strength in my foot to drive again.
I think I just had it in my head when I see the surgeon at the start of July that I would get the driving "all clear" and be able to help with Lil Momma's camps and get back to the office and be able to go do errands. And, that's just not it.
I also overdid it a bit the first day they said I could walk inside without the boot and quickly realized that all the things I know are important to recovery (sleep, nutrition, taking it slow) really are critical and even more so when I'm on the edge of feeling more like myself than I have in a bit.
Where does that leave me? Well, refocusing on consistency and celebrating small wins to help get my head out of this pit it's been in. (Mind you, after having a couple of pity parties over the past few days, haha)!
Today, the Mr. took LM and a friend to some fun mini golf and water bumper boats a couple hours away. I was able to get my food and clean up the kitchen a bit and take the dog out - none of which I could do until this past week.
This weekend, I'm going to take a one crutch walk down my street and back because endurance is built one step at a time (literally) and exposure therapy is the only way for me to get back out in the world.
Here's to small wins and doing the work, even when it's not linear or on the timeline we'd rather.
Bonus, tomorrow is the first day of summer! What are you looking forward to? I love dinner on our deck knowing we aren't rushing off to a night activity and the feeling of showering off sunscreen.
Wait - how did it manage to forget tomorrow is the solstice.
ReplyDeleteOh, friend. This is hard. So hard. Recovery is hard. Not being able to do things you once could do easily is hard. Even knowing that in the long term this will be for the best, I'm sure it's demoralizing to not be fully mobile. It's hard to be dependent on someone again, especially after years of independence (I know I would really struggle if I couldn't drive).
I think wallowing and pity parties are an important part of the process. This feels hard because it is hard. Those emotions deserve a place at the table because they are real and, quite honestly, logical and practical. It sucks to not be able to move easily. It sucks to be in pain. It sucks to have to go to appointments. It sucks to only see micro improvements.
Hugs <3
And then, in the other hand you can also embrace the fact that you ARE seeing improvements and over time those will lead to full and complete healing.
I don't see any "small wins" on your list - these are huge! I promise you that one day this will be over. I like the list of wins, and I also like the Art of the Pity Party as a recovery tool. Nurse Bella knows what's up.
ReplyDeleteHa, I agree- these are all big wins. I can just imagine how hard it must be though- not driving would be very tough.
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing at your question "HOW DID I EVEN WALK?" I mean, if you think about it- walking is hard! You have to balance, and all the muscles have to know exactly what to do at exactly the right time... in your honor, I'm going to appreciate walking today. And- you too will be able to appreciate walking, someday- hopefully sooner rather than later.
I am proud of you and your "small wins"! It's interesting how don't realize we had expectations (what surgery would look like) until we realize that expectation is not being met (driving being next). The pity parties are normal! This is hard! Keep at it.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, friend! Recovery is a very hard road, and you're doing it! That's amazing, look how great you are doing. You know what, I had my varicose veins stripped in 2011 and my expectation was that I would be just fine the next day. Guess what, that was not the reality. Sometimes our expectations get the better of us! You are doing fabulous!
ReplyDeleteOof, recovery is hard... and takes time... and a lot of patience. You're doing the work and you're making progress and you need to remember that!
ReplyDeleteOof, knowing that driving is NOT the next step has to be such a sucker punch. Especially as a mom during the summer - you just want to be able to drive your kid around and take the burden off other people! I'm sorry recovery has been such a long process. The feet/ankles, man! They take so long to recover, I feel like, because they do so much! I'm proud of you for the progress you have made and if you need to be in your feels, BE IN YOUR FEELS. <3
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