on loss and this past week

First off, this is a sad one. If you're not in a place for a sad one, please skip and protect your peace. I'll get back to other topics soon.

It's hard to talk about the last week, but it's also hard to talk about the last month or six months or 4 years. Balancing being an only child caretaker for my sweet mom with being a mom and a worker and a partner and a person has often felt impossible and that the things I was letting drop or fall to the side very much outnumbered the things I was keeping going or even doing well (or well-enough to get by). 

Dementia is a cruel disease and we have watched my mother disappear in bits and pieces, losing her independence, her memories, and control. I am incredibly grateful that my daughter had a few years of magic with her beloved Nana, but also heartbroken that LM had to watch this deterioration happen. I always tell her that "fair" is a social construct, but she is 100% valid in saying that this just isn't fair.

Since I began to find my mother on the floor after countless falls back in 2019, Luke and I always assumed a fall would be how this all ended. Then, when COVID landed in 2020, that was added into our predictions because my poor mom had so many chronic conditions that the odds just weren't in her favor. We bubble wrapped our family and tried to do what we could to prevent both of those.

Then, because this is how the universe works, two weeks ago today she fell overnight at her assisted living and was hospitalized. 3 days later, she tested positive for COVID. 24 hours later she could no longer communicate. A week after she tested positive, we lost her. 

In some ways, we are so lucky. Although the days seemed excruciatingly long once we knew what was happening, we had enough time to prepare LM as much as we could, as well as my mom's ridiculously large circle of people. I was able to sit with her and talk to her. After 10s of hospitalizations these past few years, I had the kindest doctor be the one to let me know what this was and the nurses and staff were just so good to mom and me.

I am a mixture of sadness and relief. Her quality of life was not there this last year and I would never want her to suffer - but, I wish we could have paused 5 years ago and really savored her. It's a weird mix of feelings, but I know she's in a better place than she ever could have been in here and now.

I almost titled this post Death and Phone Calls because my world has just been swallowed by the telephone since we lost her. Besides being an elementary school secretary for decades, my mom worked at a church in her town and it was one of the only things she could still be involved in once she went into assisted living last year. Its members are of a certain generation that does not text or email (my preferred communication methods) and a lot of them don't even have answering machines. But, she loved them so much that I know these phone calls were the right thing to do, as will be the calling hours in a couple of weeks, the prayer service, etc.

But, I also know the right thing for my little family is putting up our decorations and staying in our routine and winter dance recitals and chorus concerts and friends and LIVING. It is a weird balance, but that has really been my bread and butter the last few years.

I don't want to link her obituary here because I don't want it google-able with her name. But, if you'd like to know more about who she was in her prime, please let me know and I'll flip you the link ❤️

Thank you all for your kind words on my last post and as I've navigated the last few months.