on Google spirals and trying
“Playing Disco Elysium I’ve been thinking more and more about who I am, or the pieces and parts that combine into what I and others think of me. The protagonist screams, “I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF ANIMAL“ which begs the question of the player: What kind of animal are you?”
From “This Kind of Animal” by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah in Critical Hits: Writers Playing Video Games
I’ve have a bit of a swirly week. I got a thought in my head about a possible medical diagnosis over the weekend. Actually, Dr. Google got a thought in my head about a possible medical diagnosis over the weekend. (Mind you, I’ve since been to the doctor and l, big surprise, am not afflicted with said diagnosis. I believe the doctor’s reaction was “Why would you go THERE?!?”)
I spent the whole week thinking about how I would have to change my life - literally how I approach everything - to deal with this diagnosis. What I do when I wake up, what I eat, how I spend my time, how I move my body, how I navigate the world… (Yes, I’m working on my spiraling thoughts, haha!)
Then, I went to the doctor and it didn’t happen and, although I was relieved, I realized that I was also a little disappointed. Which is odd, but super real. I think I’ve been waiting for a reason to to take better care of myself, to put my own mask on (not even first, but at all), to be who I’m going to be and figure out who that is. To accept that a lot of what I’ve been doing isn’t serving me, but that it’s up to me to change that.
And, you know what? Just saying that makes me feel relieved, as well.
So, I’ve put some baby boundaries in place. Found some baby habit seeds to sow. Thought about what do when I mess it up. Thought about what to do if I don’t mess it up.
Here’s to being on your own list! I know I’ve been quiet on comments this week, but I’ll be back next.
Eek, a week with Dr. Google is a rough week. My closest thing like this was the time I had a bad mammogram and had to have a biopsy. I knew the odds of having breast cancer are slim with my family history and even if I did have it presumably it would be early detection...but still, my mind definitely went places. And then I got the "not cancer" call and it was all over just like that.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy when you get that call and it's like "oh, I'm fine" after thinking you're not!
DeleteI have had a few medical things where I googled and then went into a spiral too. But, we don't need a reason to take care of ourselves other than that we are precious and lovable and need to take care of ourselves! So I guess that is a reason, but you know what I mean (it's early, hope this makes sense).
ReplyDeleteOh my stars, I need to put "I am precious and lovable and need to take care of myself" on my wall above my desk!!
DeleteWe've all been "there" and I know I'll be there again. Spirals of any sort are rough and I feel like I've learned the pattern so well that sometimes I just throw up my hands in defeat and surrender to the spiral. Adulting is HARD. I'm so glad things are okay, but know that you're not alone in the spiralling <3
ReplyDeleteOh, I so feel that. Sometimes, I just have to go with the swirling thoughts (even if I know it's me making the swirl)... Thanks, my friend - I kind of felt ridiculous posting this about why my week was such a mess, but I feel so not alone in it now <3
DeleteI know spiraling all too well. Hang in there friend. Unfortunately, it's true for many of us- it takes a serious diagnosis to turn our lives around. I need to remind myself that every day...
ReplyDeleteGood point, my friend! Hopefully, I can still make some changes and take a bit better care of myself AND be glad I don't have this thing.
DeleteAh, yes this reminds me of the time I was convinced I had MS. (I don't.) Funny what our minds can do. It also reminds me of reading an article written by a man who found out he had a malignant brain tumor, and his first reaction was "thank God!" He realized he welcomed the excuse to completely revamp his life. So- maybe the best scenario is to take the chance to revamp you life WITHOUT a dire diagnosis. I'll be interested to hear what changes you make. And, of course- glad everything is okay : )
ReplyDeleteA week ago, my right hand kept going numb - it was happening a LOT and was really concerning. So I called my mom and told her I might be having a stroke or a heart attack very soon, so stay by the phone. Because OF COURSE I Googled what it means when your hand keeps going numb!! I did NOT have a stroke or heart attack, though! Anyway, all that to say I understand those spiraling thoughts very well!
ReplyDeleteDr. Google is a catastrophist who sounds eminently reasonable. I have experienced your EXACT spiral, from the Very Reasonable This Has To Be It self-diagnosis to the imaginary life changes to the feeling of letdown (not quite disappointment, not quite relief) when it turned out my diagnosis was (shock!!!) incorrect.
ReplyDeleteVery glad everything is okay, and that you are nonetheless able to find ways to improve/change your life because of the diagnosis-that-wasn't!
We've all been there - usually at 3 am. I'm glad it's nothing. And yes, you are worth making changes. Time to mask up. :) Hugs.
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