on aging and ankles
I have been hurt since last April.
That seems wild to me, but it’s true. I’ve been mildly-sore-but-am-I-being-dramatic hurt and oh-no-this-can’t-be-right-hurt and am-I-doing-the-PT-wrong hurt and why-is-this-still-the-same-uncomfortable hurt and oh so many others.
Between the arch and the ankle, not being able to go for long walks or ride a bike, driving making my whole foot swell, etc., I’ve tried to keep my head in the space of how this is just a season and one of these solutions we’re throwing at it will fix it. But I’ve also been in the space of wondering if this is all in my head or if this is just how the rest of my life will be.
Dramatic much, Lindsay? Yikes.
After doing 8 weeks of PT this go around and still having a heavily swollen ankle (and now foot, sigh), I saw the orthopedic doctor earlier this week. We talked about how I did dry needling and cupping and compression and legs against the wall and heel raises and doming and all the things….
…but, in the end, I have stood wrong on my foot my entire life and my ankle cannot get used to standing correctly and it is showing its inability to do that through swelling and instability.
Our course of action is a surgery in 4-6 weeks that will clean up the mess in my ankle joint and put a pin in it (literally haha) to get my foot to sit flat. It will be 6 weeks of being non-weight-bearing (ugh, no driving) and then 6+ months of PT/recovery BUT there will be more definitive progress and hope and all of that on the other side.
In my head, I know it’s the right choice. In my heart, I’m a little sad that I’ve already lost 10+ months and now it feels like the rest of this year will be a mess.
But what is the rest of this year in the course of the rest of my life?
Between landing on a bunch of podcasts recently talking about how women of my generation were raised to think aging is awful and inevitable, especially for women after 40 – AFTER 40?!?! WHEN WE HAVE HALF OUR LIVES HOPEFULLY TO LIVE?!?! – coupled with watching my mom’s decline where mobility was such a factor, all in all I feel so good about this decision because it’s one I am making for Future Lindsay who has years and decades to go do-all-the-things and hike and slow jog and walk in the woods and LIVE for herself and with the Mr. and Lil Momma.
It’s funny (well, is it?) (maybe funny-weird), but since I had the appointment, my ankle has been SO CRANKY, more so than usual. I have to wonder if I’ve just been compensating so much and now having been validated that something-IS-wrong and there-IS-a-solutution, my body is taking a much needed moment to remind me it’s ok to be where I’m at, haha!
More to come on how I’m prepping myself and my little family and my house for this blip!
Well, thank goodness you have a path forward, even though that path will suck, the end result will be a good one. There will be a time after this! A time when your ankle isn't painful and wonky. And you're right, in the grand scheme of things this is a small time period. BUT STILL! I would also be frustrated. It's okay to have more than one feeling at the same time!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Nicole! And, so true. Both can be (and are) true, haha sigh.
DeleteOh Lindsay, I'm sorry that it's not a simple fix but I know that Future Lindsay will be very happy that you made this decision. Heal fast, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks, my friend! I am so bad at this "wait for the date" part; it's so much better to know and be able to plan haha!
DeleteOh Lindsay, that is SUCH a long time to be enduring physical pain and impacted mobility, on top of all the other things in your life.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad there is a way forward, though I'm sure the recovery seems daunting (it reminds me a bit of Lisa's situation where things have to feel worse for a while to have a chance at getting better). Sending you virtual hugs.
And I agree that this decision is like a giant hug to future Lindsay and she will be so thankful you made this decision.
I truly believe I've been so successful at compartmentalizing how it felt and how it was limiting me that how my life has been impacted is just hitting me, sigh. But, I am so grateful to have a way forward and have dreams of fall walks in the woods and adventures on the other side of this mess! Thank you for your kind words!!
DeleteI totally get that feeling of lost time, but I think you were doing the smart thing - seeing if you cold heal it first w/o surgery. And I am so glad you are getting it, like you said, for future Lindsay. We have some older people in our lives whose lack of mobility has really affected them in their later years and it's making us want to take care of us now too <3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to get the surgery, but oh, what a long time to be in pain! I know it will be all worth it in the end and this is setting Future Lindsay up for a much better life! <3
ReplyDelete